My Journey Begins - Dec 2014

I am not going to go into details of how I found myself at this point in my life- because the hows and whys of how I got here are irrelevant- what matters is just that I am now, at almost 47 years of age, forced to face the reality that- for me- there are no longer any options. I find myself at this point in life amidst great emotional turmoil, as so much that I have desperatley held to for strength in soo many other areas of my life crumble around me- and topped with a prior single pregnancy ending in miscarriage (just enough to give me such desperate hope and then crush it like a bug under a fast moving train). So for me, in these moments, this feels like  more than I can possibly bear.

Then I found a private facebook group and somehow found the courage to start to try to type out what was consuming my heart:

How... how do you face this?


This hole in my heart that I now must face....a growing hole that up until now I filled with hope and denial...desperately clinging to hope that it could not be true... that surely some miracle would happen...that God would not leave me empty...He would not leave me barren....because He built this deep-deep desire into me....how does He expect me to let that dream die?

I don't even know how grieve this...I don't even know how to start....just a single tear falls and I have to shut it off because if this pain surfaces it just may end me.....so how???

I have made it thru sooo much emptiness and devastation in my life but have stayed strong...I did not grieve...I sought a positive outlook and determination to survive...I poured myself into my work and buried everything under walls of iron and denial and I survived....

but this....this....this is what just may end me....for I can see only emptiness....this pain...this hole in my heart...I cannot fill with business and anything else that may have worked for me in the past....

Please don’t tell me to look around me for something positive and be thankful....to love my "fur babies" or others children....because I do love them...but it doesn’t fill this hole... and right now there is just too much rage and pain and I can't see past it.... I hate myself....and scream at God-WHY??? Why God? -is it my fault? Would I have been just a horrible Mother...is that why?? What is wrong with me???

I know I have to somehow accept this....but I can't even let the tears start to come for fear they will never stop.....so HOW....How do I face this? I’m sooo sorry to be soo negative...

And as I struggled to put these words in writing the pain that was rising from this hole inside me brought me to my knees and I found myself desperately clasping my hand over my own mouth to force back the scream and rage that was rising......I knew if I let it surface at that moment It would consume me and I would cease to function....so I forced it back, choking on it like a gag.... but yet somehow found the courage and posted it anyway.

and following is just a few of the amazing and supportive responses from all over that came in:

* you speak my mind - I have the same feelings!*

*I know this pain- ((hugs)) - you are not alone!" *

*((Hug)) cry if and when you need to. No shame in that. It's been a 22 yr struggle for me... Each Christmas seemingly more painful and empty than the last. But I have always put my game face on every year... Fake it till you make it and cry when nobody is looking. Ugh! This year though it's odd because I am not a crying sobbing wreck..... I feel ... Exhausted. Defeated. Profound sadness. And dread. With a dash of old anger mixed in for old times sake. Also, I'm not hiding my true feelings from friends and family this year. I'm not blabbering about it... But when people ask me what's wrong or why no holiday cheer .. I'm simply telling them that my heart is broken. The really f***d up part (pardon the language) is that when I say that ... People shut me down. They aren't trying to be mean, they just say those old familiar dismissive comments that we have all heard people say to us... I won't repeat.Just a really sad time for me. And nobody understands.... Except you all .. For that I am grateful. And vodka... I am eternally grateful for and to vodka. Amen and pass the Grey Goose.*

(I am hoping to be able to share some many more the loving responses I received to this initial post- but am waiting for permission before I do.)

 

Warning.... tear jerker but such truth....I would have been a great mom...

Even though she eventually did get her dream and prayers answered....this song still speaks soo powerfully for those who never will....and my heart breaks as I watch it.

January 2015

Is it just me?

Babies everywhere...beautiful, precious, innocent babies... People say- count your blessing - find your happiness in just reaching out and loving others babies-nieces, nephews, neighbors, friends.... how can they understand? Yes-I love each and every baby I come across-every child I am blessed to have in and around my life.....but loving them comes at such an immeasurable cost...a cost I try to hide from everyone around me...to bury and deny because it feels sooo selfish....

but if I allow myself to be honest-to face TRUTH-to connect to this agonizing hole in my heart- the truth is I want to run from them-to hide from them.....because it just HURTS TOO MUCH..... I'm sorry-I know its soo selfish.....but right now it's more than I can handle.....if I let myself feel this....this emptiness...this failure....it will overwhelm me-incapacitate me.

People say -"Never Give Up"-"Where There is a Will- There is a Way" - "Where is your faith?" - "With God Everything is Possible"- and I WANT TO JUST PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE....they mean well but what they are implying is this is somehow my fault? That somehow the reason I am barren is because I didn’t spend enough money....didn’t have enough faith.....didn’t have a good enough attitude....am a "quitter"....

I don't know- maybe they are right?? and my self- loathing downward spiral gains speed....

 Yes, I do believe with God everything is possible-but look around- He doesn't ever say life is fair...He just asks us to Trust him-trust in His love for us no matter what our losses.....

but the TRUTH is-some days I loose even that battle..... sorry to be soo negative.....

 

Responses:

 *Oh my gosh -Your post had brought me to tears (and I rarely cry). I want to give you a big squishy hug (((hug)))). I have tears because your post is so beautifully written and describes the exquisite, soul killing pain that I have endured as well.... And so many here at this forum deal with every day. (Sad sigh). YOU are not selfish, you are NOT a failure. You ARE good enough, and your faith is strong enough. When well meaning people say those things..."have faith.... All things are possible with God... Etc"... It feels SO VERY dismissive. Because it is dismissive. And every time someone says something like that you have to fight the urge to gouge your uterus out of your body and hit them over the head with it. Ugh! I don't think we will ever know why we are in this situation. It's not fair .... But I don't think it's Gods fault. He's the one we want to blame though. Had a talk with my priest and he said there is a special place in heaven / Gods plan for women (and men) like us. I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm right with you. heart emoticon. You are wonderful and perfect just the way you are... Broken heart and all*

*You are not alone- I feel exactly the same way.... ((hugs) *

*Sending a massive amount of love to you.....feeling the same....*

*You are NOT selfish or negative for feeling what you feel!!! Actually I think the world should give us a standing ovation every time we manage to find the strength to get out of bed, much less continue to live our lives. Someone used the word dismissive (perfect word btw) to describe type of comments we have to endure. Personally, I've decided that most people don't mean to be dismissive or insensitive, but rather it's their means of avoiding the topic because they don't understand and don't know how to be of comfort to you. How could they?*

*Yes! It levels you at times...even way down the road...been feeling it big time of late...and I've had years to "accept it" fighting hard to love and live well...I have a huge capacity to love others and have adored children always....like all of you here I have a mother's heart, but no child,here to claim as my very own....one in heaven...and it is one of the hardest things to navigate....I refuse to let it consume me, but being real is acknowledging that it's there and painful...people, not on this boat have no idea how hard it it to live without ....though some try very hard to put themselves in our place..I do think people can be educated and people can learn to be more sensitive though....your post hit so many cords with me...I'm so sorry all of us have to walk this...but I'm thankful for this community that gets it*

What Do I Want???

In my life it has never been safe or ok for me to feel or show any emotions so I got really good at rejecting, denying and burying my own pain… but this battle, this pain, is more than I can control or stuff  or hide… Because if I do- it will destroy me- if not physically- it will destroy what’s left of my broken heart and consume my soul in bitterness rage and darkness. So  as I slowly start to attempt  to, for once in my life, be honest, transparent and real - and fight to face this,  I am sometimes surprised and saddened by some of the responses from those around me. 

So here is my rant for today….

So many have said in response  to  the seemingly  insensitive and judgemental  people in our lives- “what do you expect” – “they can’t possibly understand” !  And I do get that- I’m pretty certain none of us would EVER want them to “understand” and wouldn’t  wish this on our worst enemy….

SO WHAT DO WE EXPECT?  WHAT DO WE WANT FROM THEM? I have been thinking a lot about that-  and this is what is on my heart:

What I DONT want-

I don’t want your pity.  I’m not trying to make you feel guilty in your happiness (I promise, I’m really not! and  believe it or not – I am really and truly happy for anyone  that  doesn’t  have to face this pain!).   I don’t want you to feel awkward and afraid to say anything around me about your family – I still want to be included in your life and your childrens  lives.  I don’t want or need you to avoid me like I have some kind of disease or shield me from all children or babies.  Yes I will battle feelings of jealousy and consuming pain,  I may be prone to fighting back tears when I play with, see or hold a beautiful  and precious child, at certain points I may be battling feelings of wanting to run and hide- and I actually may run and hide….but that is just the reality of my struggle and  the pain I must somehow learn to face and overcome. I dont want your condemnation or judgement for being for being transparent and real. I dont need your "Pat" Advice or dismissive "put-offs"so you can feel better about yourself.  I don’t want to explain to you what has brought me to this point so that you can judge whether or not I truly tried hard enough….. or - for those still in the midst of attempting to defeat infertility- to justify why it will be different in your own life…..

And for those in process of fighting and doing everything possible to get past infertility- who still have hope and are soo excited to share when the miracles happen - I think some of the greatest damage can be done to a BARREN woman-when in seeking support and help- we turn to, so called,  “infertility groups”  and are barraged with stories of women with secondary infertility issues (already have children but are struggling to get pregnant AGAIN) or stories of the"miracles" and the unending "never give up" posts  there.  I dont know about anyone else- but these usually make me feel even worse and heap on the self loathing, despair, and yes - anger-at the unfairness of it all.... and in most cases, if we dare to express  our heartfelt pain in what is supposed to be a safe and understanding group-  are attacked as insensitive to others stuggles and pain…. if we dare say anything to the effect of – “at least you still have hope”- it suddenly becomes a “Suffering Olympics” - and we are told to not invalidate their struggle…..

 I would just ask of any in the midst of hormone therapies and all that comes with that battle- that you show a little sensitivity and compassion to those who have gone thru it and came out the other side with empty arms and empty hearts- because it’s certainly NOT that we don’t understand where you are at- or that we don’t understand your fears and pain and your struggles-WE UNDERSTAND IT BETTER THAN ANYONE-WE HAVE BEEN THRU IT!  I would ask that you show a little grace and compassion because we are now facing YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!  So please don’t attack us for occasionally losing our grip and venting or expressing our pain to some of your posts….

Because there are no groups that I could find just for those who have lost all hope….so we must seek support from groups that allow all forms of infertility battles.   I think I speak for most in my shoes  that -WE PRAY YOU NEVER FACE THIS” !  Just try for a moment to fathom having to, once and for all, let go of that dream- let go of that hope……. I PRAY FOR YOU THAT IT NEVER BE…….

SO WHAT DO I WANT?

Acceptance, love, and grace would be a great start.

I want you to SEE ME- the real me…. and still love me…. I don’t expect you to relate or completely understand this grief…. But just acceptance that it is real and authentic and legitimately where I am at in my journey right now would mean sooo, sooo much. 

Knowing that I am not alone- reaching out to other women facing this has deeply touched my heart - but that applies even more so to those around me, to my family and friends that I love and care about in my life,  that  I know cannot possibly understand. Don’t let me face this alone….. Your kind words and messages, your occasional -for no reason- hugs, your giving me the space to grieve- but not abandoning me in it. Your spending time just being real with me and allowing me to be real with you – is a priceless gift beyond measure. 

Don’t try to “FIX ME” with empty words of advice or become impatient or judge me if I don’t get past all of this as quickly as you feel I should- just love me in spite of it…..  Please be strong enough not to take on my grief, or let it make you feel guilty or ashamed of your own happiness or Joy. I love you if your heart hurts for my pain- and if you can cry WITH me…..but I don’t expect and would never want you to feel or understand this… I just want you to love me in spite of this….

Show me grace when you see me struggling- don’t reject me for my struggle…. And I pray that one day,  by the grace of God, I will get thru this incapacitating grief and find some healing and acceptance. I know the pain will always be there deep inside and this empty space in my heart will never be filled- but I will fight and I will survive.  And I ask of those closest to me that they could somehow just love me thru this so that I may, hopefully, love and bless them in return on the other side.

 Responses:

*Thank you for expressing so well what is in my head. Big hugs xxxx*

*Well written! It expresses feelings and thoughts I have shared since my hysterectomy in 2010. I'm still struggling and some days my grief defeats me. ((HUGS))*

*You put that so well. Thank you for sharing it*

*Beautifully written. You have given voice to a lot of feelings I have myself. Thank you. It's such a emotionally complex, and charged topic. I mean sometimes the grief seems like a maze*

 

 

 

  • CHILDLESS (Shared from group)


    Never thought it would be like this,
    another month, another miss.
    Days drag on turning into years.
    These are things that add to my tears.
    It's seeing a child reach for its mother,
    or a young girl playing with her brother.
    It's hearing the news that she's pregnant again without trying,
    and trying to act happy when inside I am dying.
    It's looking for that special birthday toy
    for someone else's newborn boy.
    It's keeping yourself from running out that door when they ask what are you waiting for.
    It's hearing stories about the cute things they do, wondering if they see through you,
    because all the while I hide my fear,
    as I watch them grow year by year.

  • (Continued...)

    It's another Christmas morning,
    so quiet so bare,
    just like last year- doesn't seem fair,
    that I can't give back what's been given to me.
    How can some say it's not meant to be?
    It's turning passion into a chore.
    Schedules can be such a bore.
    And every time we try and fail,
    each act becomes another betrayal.
    It's waiting for the doctor in the waiting room, surrounded by women with babies in their womb.
    It's the pain from all the tests and pills I take,
    and the exhaustion from the strength I fake.
    It's been late a day or two,
    Imagining if it will look like you.
    Won't this room look good in blue?
    How about names, do you like that one too?
    But soon the rain comes and you must find ,
    The courage not to loose your mind.
    It's keeping myself busy to hide my pain,
    while inside I slowly go insane.
    Because every child that I see reminds me of what will never be.
    It's watching loved ones being taken away, knowing how I'll miss them on my special day.
    The child will miss out on knowing granddad, something I'll always wish he had.
    When I look into my mothers eyes,
    I feel the bond of family ties,
    and what they always meant to me...
    Please God give me a family.

Roots of Bitterness

Another amazing woman battling infertility posted today in one of the support groups a story of someone close to her growing up who allowed her childlessness, emptiness and pain to turn into bitterness and that bitterness to consume her and in turn hurt and repel those around her:  (she gave me permission to share)

To us kids she ALWAYS seemed to be in a bad mood- grouchy... Always had her arms folded over her chest. Very pinched off and bitter. I never understood it... Because as grouchy as she was: she wasn't a bad person. She would give you the shirt off her back. But still her pissy attitude repelled people. I remember on my wedding day when my mother was fussing over me just before walking down the isle.. She remarked that I looked heavy in my wedding dress and chastised my mother for not making me lose weight. She ruined my day! I never understood her bitterness, her cynicism.. Until now. because I sometimes find myself thinking bitter thoughts and even verbalizing it... So for me she is a prime example of who I DO NOT want to be. I don't want people to remember me as the bitchy old lady with no kids. Because I have struggled with infertility for over 20 yrs and because I am dealing with the realization that I will never be a mother- I understand what pain she must have been in. But I need to find a way-- WE need to find a way to not let this personal tragedy define us... Not let it do to is what it did to her . My prayer for us all is that we find our joy... And not let our pain make us venal . Love to u all”

Her words struck such a cord.  I too have known some very bitter and very cruel women in my life....women who have done immense damage to those who loved them the most....yet surprisingly, in my life, these women had children....I often wondered what had happened to them to make them that way and assume it must have been something very devastating at some point in their lives - so childlessness is not the only reason women can become hard and bitter and cold....Watching them and  personally suffering the consequences of their angry and bitter words and actions used to make me  despise them- but now when I think about them- my heart breaks for them.  It is such a huge lesson to learn from and be aware of.... because I know it is sooo easy to get stuck in our Pain and Rage- and if we are not careful-to let it consume us... I don't want to be like that either- so the healing journey (I'm told) is one in which its important to honestly let yourself feel and face what comes up- the grief and yes, even the rage- and give yourself the space, grace and freedom you need to do so...but yet also to always keep pressing forward in the midst of it and always reaching and striving and seeking peace and acceptance and love thru it....I’m told that it's when you stuff it all and shut it down and deny it-THAT is when the lies and poison of the bitterness and rage take deep root and will eventually consume and control.... remembering that personal pain is never an excuse for cruelty....and that just as we hope and reach  for peace, love and acceptance - we must also choose to give it-even to those who we just don't understand...otherwise we may become what we despised....

I need to be very honest and real here though….. I understand anger and rage- I know it is inside me and is building and gaining strength on this path –because this loss – this devastatingly painful  journey- is soo full of  frustrations and anger and doubts and regrets- because it is out of my control–and because IT IS NOT FAIR!  But for me at this point- I guess  it is not yet time for it to surface- but I can feel it rising and gaining strength  in me….

I know facing it is going to have to be part of this healing process- I am told the only way PAST IT is to somehow find the courage to honestly go THRU it – but I warn you that when it surfaces it is NOT GOING TO BE PRETTY…… and I fully intend to expose it here in brutal and raw transparency…..  and I pray for God’s presence and grace and forgiveness thru it….. 

Because the lies I have personally  discovered  in dealing with soo much past trauma in my own life is that stuffing and denying pain and especially the anger that rises from within the pain- will turn it to rage and bitterness- and I bought into the lie that that buried rage somehow protected me- somehow even made me strong- shielded me from my pain….. but the TRUTH is - it made me Weak and Bitter and Fake and sooo deeply DEAD inside.

There can be no peace or joy or love in you while  you are living consumed  by it- believing its LIES……Rage and  Anger and Bitterness will destroy your soul if you don’t face it.  It will consume you. 

I cling to the hope that there will be some Joy on the other side of this….. and that my God is big enough to handle even my rage and love me thru it….. 

 

Yup...definitely having one of these days..... Raging Pity Party is happening in my head right now and has been crashed by tiny little green jealousy monsters rocking the "Macarena"!

I'm thinking about hanging this sign in my car window or waving it at all those with stick figure families and "my kid is better than yours" bumper stickers proudly displayed all over their vehicles...

(sorry-just being transparent for a moment-I promise I'm getting a grip now....)

Empty- Stranger in the Mirror

I hesitate to share this... but I committed to being transparent and real- so- warning- this is going to be pretty depressing- but I will just put it in Gods hands and share anyway.

I pray that anyone reading this that may be fighting a similar battle will not get stuck in this darkness with me- but might find encouragement in knowing that they are not alone... and find the strength and faith to keep fighting to get thru this....

So this is just a beginning of what is starting to pour out:

Lost

Who is this person I see in the mirror??? I don't even recognize her... As the last bit of what I used to see as "GOOD" in me.....dies....As the last bit of hope for who I thought I would be and what my life would look like... crumbles....

 

At almost 47 years old....an empty heart and my empty arms overwhelms me....Soo many dreams and hopes shattered...Filled instead with soo much pain....Soo much RAGE....soo much emptiness and loss...As the last of this woman I fought soo hard to be- what feels like my very identity....fades...

Forced to face...to helplessly watch...this death of more than a dream...as it crumbles around me- in its last thro's...I stare inside of this stranger I see in the mirror and I wonder.....searching....what's left of me? And I can see nothing...Emptiness...I search for some form of life...of truth...of light...Some kind of strength...Some remenant of identity...

but instead something from sooo soo deep inside rises and screams in rage yet again....WHY???  Was it soo wrong God? My dreams - my desires? My deep deep longings?  What did I do that was sooo wrong? That You God would allow soo much.... Soo much pain....soo much devastation...soo much emptiness... was I just too weak?  Too stupid- naieve? Too angry? 

And my heart twists inside me as I hear: "Dont blame God- God is Good and God is Love...this was not Gods will..."Soo many opportunities in my life to reach my dreams....And I fought soo hard for them....yet here I am.... Lost....Empty... asking what is left? Who am I?

Everything that I thought I was- Everything that I thought would be- Empty…I can't even find adequate words to describe this feeling... It's like I'm not even real...Just a wisp of nothing...Like a vapor- smoke...Caught between the dying past and a future I cannot fathom... dare not even hope for...floating.... not connected to ANYTHING….Trusting nothing....empty..... feeling like like NOTHING HAS ANY MEANING....too terrified to attach to ANYTHING...To hope for anything…To dream for anything....To even just WANT anything....to love....to trust....to let myself feel...ANYTHING....What is wrong with me? 

Who am I?  Empty.....

and yet somewhere in this deep deep darkness, there is still a hope I desperately hold - a hope that something in me at times is afraid to even reach for....cannot even fathom.... a hope of Forgiveness.... Grace.... Acceptance…..a hope of a new identity of ME - a new identity of Truth....Can it really ever be???

And even though my faith is still sooo sooo weak -and in this darkness of depression, pain and Rage...as despair overwhelms me and I fight to not completely crumble under its weight....even as I fight in this moment to just breath…I search for and cling to that hope:

That my God is still here with me....and He has not forsaken me.... That I am not alone in this overwhelming darkness.... and that one day when I look in that mirror I WILL SEE only what You, my Creator and my God, see in me.....Broken yet Complete.....Barren and Beautiful....a new identity.... then I will see the woman I was created to be.... 

And I somehow fight on.....

Not for a Moment

Even in my rage against Him....even thru this loss.....Even when I cant possibly understand....He never stopped loving Me....

I apologize that I have not posted here for a while.

Unfortunately life has been throwing alot at me over the last several months and I have had to try to focus everything in me on dealing with other areas of my life...but I admit I have found that in focusing on other issues and attempting to shut down/bury and deny this pain- it hasnt lessened at all....in fact if I allow myself to start to turn and attempt to face it...I find it may have even deepend-and I recognize this rage inside my heart blocking the pain of this and soo much more has definately grown stronger.....I know at some point soon I have to try to let it come up and attempt to continue this journey thru it.

but for now, I just want to deny it.....to run and hide....nothing in me wants to face this pain and loss.....so I choose to put it in God's hands and in His timing....hopefully He will give me the courage and strength to continue this soon......

A good day to count blessings....

It was a rare sunny and beautiful March day in the Pacific Northwest yesterday and my sister was in town with my 2 adorable but very high energy nephews ages 5 and 7. It was decided to spend the day at the Portland zoo. I used to really enjoy these outings with nieces and nephews - when there was still hope for children of my own- but I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of emotions that hit me there yesterday.... babies.... babies.... toddlers... kids everywhere.... I instantly attempted to turn off my heart but as a result Auntie Shari became a bit of a walking zombie... I then attempted to focus all my energy on my sister and my nephews-especially when one darted ahead and got lost and panic mode ensued until we heard our names over zoo loudspeaker wanting us to claim our very upset 7 year old.....it was a shocking Wake Up - and snapped me back into the reality of incredible blessings and treasures right in front of me.....

I'm not going to lie....by the time we parted ways I was emotionally and physically exhausted- just being in huge cowds like that becomes a bit of sensory overload for me -let alone throwing children and babies into it.... and the pain didn't stop attempting to surface and overwhelm in that costant barrage- but I forcibly denied and willed myself to turn from it- attempted to not think about it....and I left exhausted but feeling blessed to have had the time to spend with those I love.


The excruciating pain is still in there...impatiently waiting for my surrounding life circumstances to calm enough or my inner strength that trys to control and block it weakens enough for it to finally surface...and I dread that day....but for now-on this day- I will count my blessings.... and call it a good day!

A step towards healing.... saying goodbye

One of the steps in letting go and moving forward for me was to face the loss and let go of my one baby I miscarried. For me that meant writing out my goodbye and reading it out loud with a trusted friend/counselor. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done…..because part of me didn’t want to let go- part of me wanted to hang on to my rage- because I did not want to feel this pain…..yet it was the only way towards real healing- journeying thru the pain.  And because I am being transparent I will share this very personal moment here in hopes that it will help someone who needs this next step…..help once again to know – that you are not alone……

(I was sure my baby was going to be a girl-and I had named her already- "Alyssa Grace")

"Precious Alyssa, when I found out I was pregnant and saw your tiny little heart beat inside me- I don’t think I can even find the words to express the Joy and Love and excitement I felt….I was glowing and soo full of joy- my heart was bursting….. I remember when the test read positive- I could barely believe it and - I fell to my knee’s and thanked God for this precious gift of you and swore to treasure and be the best Mommy to you- I promised God that I would never take for granted this gift He was giving me……my heart was sooo full…..

But something was not right…..and all too soon the doctors were monitoring you and me and fear was trying to creep in…..I will never forget the dark night -Your Daddy was coming with me to see you, to see your precious heartbeat inside me for the first time the very next day…..and while I was worried- I truly did not believe that God would give me this gift only to take it away….so I refused to give words to the fear…… but that night I got sooo sooo cold- I remember lying in bed and it was like the coldness was emanating from inside me and no matter how many blankets I stacked on- I could not get warm….. I could not understand it was the coldness of a empty womb that once glowed with life….that was the night You went home to be with the source of all life- the source of all love….this world was not good enough for you- and that night God decided to take and keep you in His perfect and loving arms….. and at the doctors office the next morning as I looked at that blank screen and saw no movement- I didn’t want to believe…. How could it be…..and all I could do was shut down…..and the Rage in me took over completely……rage at God- Rage at me- did I do something wrong???? What did I do that God would punish me and take you from me???….Outwardly I looked and acted fine- I buried that pain and threw myself into anything else I could do…..your loss was just more than I could face at that time…..

Until much much later, for a long time I went on just hoping praying that God would give me another chance, but it never happened, and I realized (with help) that I had to somehow face this pain and let you go, and let go of the rage. My assignment was to write out what I longed to tell you if you were in my arms, tell you what I felt for you, what I wanted for you, then say goodbye for now and give you back to your heavenly father. Writing this part felt like what was left of my tattered heart was literally tearing in two…..like part of my heart died with you….. but this is what I my heart cried out to tell you….

My Precious baby girl, when I picture you in my arms you are perfect, beautiful, so precious and tiny and my heart wants to burst ….. pure innocence and joy bundled into perfection to me.  My love for you is indescribable and it overwhelms me and takes my breath away. I imagine your tiny face- I picture you had your daddy’s eyes and perfect little fingers and toes….. It is more than I can bear – I longed to be there for you – for your precious giggles and laughter, to watch you experience real joy, I wanted to be there as you learned and grew, walking with you loving you thru everything life brings, I wanted to be there for your saddness and your tears, to kiss your little face and hug away your fears…. I wanted to be there for you thru every stage of life…. My precious daughter, Alyssa, you never even took a breath in this world yet you held my whole heart…..I wanted you to know you were loved and wanted beyond any words I can find to even explain. Your life felt like just moments inside me yet you touched me soo deeply that I can never forget you and I will never be the same.

I know you are in Gods loving arms now and that you will only ever know His perfect Love, Joy, and Peace. I know you will know nothing of pain and sadness and for that I am thankful. I envision you running and playing in fields of beauty and light in perfect wonder, happiness and sooo much love. I know you are with those I loved who are already there. But selfishly letting you go is almost more than I my broken heart can bear. But I release you into my Heavenly Fathers Arms in trust that I WILL see you one day soon. Goodbye for now my precious angel- someday I will see you in heaven and my heart aches and longs for that day.  

With all my love forever and ever……

Your Mommy"

 As I share I realize that this was just one step of many to come- I know that I must do something similar to let go of the dream of even ever being a mommy…. That loss – that dream- that pain must be faced and somehow expressed and given to God so I can get past the rage and find healing and I pray that soon I can find the strength to take that step.....although in some ways this entire blog has been part of that step.

There is one absolute truth I do know-
my only hope and strength in this journey
lies in the arms of the One who made it all....
It doesn't mean I have made it there-
this battle inside me rages on....
but in Him alone is where my hope lies....

I just wanted to be a Mommy

4/22/15

I wrote this right before I lost control and rage surfaced and the tears finally started to come:

Another Mothers Day approaches and I brace myself for what I fight soo deeply to hold back  and as I face the failure of what feels like anything good I ever dared hope and dream for -this is what rises from my heart:

Letting go.....

In my rage I question - and the pain it brings overwhelms me- so I try to honestly express it before it consumes me....

Sorry if it's too depressing....

Why....

Why did I want so desperately to be a Mommy???

I wanted to be a Mommy to see and love the precious beauty and innocence in someone that was a physical part of me...a physical part of my now shattered heart....

I wanted to be a Mommy to celebrate each little joy, wonder, and amazement that this life could hold with them- to see and treasure it thru their eyes....

I wanted to be a Mommy for the snuggles that I longed to give and that could only be recieved by a precious piece of my heart that is my own beloved child ...

I wanted to be a Mommy to ease their hurts and kiss and hug away their boo-boo's..... to help them feel safe enough to face both pain and love and help them grow stronger thru it....

I wanted to be a Mommy to show my child truth....the truth of how deeply deeply precious and valuable they were to me and to their creator who loves them even more than even I ever could....

I wanted to be a Mommy to watch them grow and to walk with them in love and truth and acceptance every step of the way...

I wanted to be a Mommy to show them that no matter what -no matter where their life or choices take them- that my love for them will never end.....

I wanted to be a Mommy because I desperately wanted to give this indescribable love that is now such an empty hole in my shattered heart to a precious life trusted to me by God....a hole in my heart that was put there by my creator for this very purpose....

And lets face it....I wanted to be a Mommy-because I'm selfish- I soo deeply wanted to be loved and needed in a way only a Mommy can....

I wanted to be a Mommy to give my child what I never had....

I just wanted to be a Mommy......

and my heart breaks- Why was that so wrong???

 

Following are just a few of the responses that came in- My heart hurts- but I am not alone:

Exquisitely painful... 

Heartbreaking, but beautiful. True life for us....

We either all are there or all have been there. ~~~HUGS~~~

You said everything I have felt for years....

You so beautifully spoke for all of us.

O, hun..hugs..I know it hurts. What helped me on that awful hard day is celebrating the mom I would've been. Just a tiny present for me, for what's within.

 

MAY 2015

Preaching to  Myself....

As another empty Mothers Day approaches for me I find myself starting to harden in preparation of the pain of loss that I know is bound to surface, but I am tired of hiding, tired of hardening.....

I came across some posts that really spoke to me and I thought I would share in hopes that they may help any feeling the same:

First:

I remind myself that its OK to cry- to grieve- and its OK if no one see's or understands-I owe them no explanation- this just my battle, my truth:

"for there is a sacredness in tears
they are not the mark of weakness, but of power
they speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues
they are the messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love"
"tears are words the heart cant say - tears can cleanse your soul"

Those who truly know and love you will understand, show you grace, and cry with you, those who do not - do not matter in those moments.

Second:

(edited to apply to me)

"HOW TO HAVE PEACE
WHEN YOU ARE FALLING TO PIECES

 1) Dont beat yourself up! Shed the guilt! Focus and find satisfaction in whatever you are doing in that moment.

 2) Give 100% to the most important things rather than 20% to everything

 3) Recognize and Separate the things you can control from the things you cant.

 4) Remember the power of environment- the outside effects the inside

 5) The purpose of a task is to strengthen relationships -people are more important than check lists.

 6) Embrace the pain- the tough times- learn from it, let it make you a stronger person.

 7) Refill your pitcher- everyone needs alittle prayer and solitude on occasion to rejuvenate the soul.

 8) Develop an understanding heart. Forgiving others frees you from bitterness and it also comes back around.

 9) Reprogram your mind. Flip the negative thoughts to positive thoughts. (For me this means reminding myself of How God see's me- not empty- not barren- but perfect and complete- and utterly and completely cherished and loved by Him)

 10) Remember, the little tasks and small moments are brush strokes on the canvas of life- seek to Find joy and value in each of them!"

 

Third:

(and most importantly)

"No matter what you go through in Life,

no matter how many deep and tragic disappointments you may suffer -

YOUR VALUE IN GODS EYES-

the One who created you and loves you beyond comprehension-

ALWAYS REMAINS THE SAME.....

He will never give up on you,

so don't ever give up on yourself!"

and on this day please just know - You are loved and you are not alone!