In my life it has never been safe or ok for me to feel or show any emotions so I got really good at rejecting, denying and burying my own pain… but this battle, this pain, is more than I can control or stuff or hide… Because if I
do- it will destroy me- if not physically- it will destroy what’s left of my broken heart and consume my soul in bitterness rage and darkness. So as I slowly start to attempt to, for once in my life, be honest, transparent and real - and
fight to face this, I am sometimes surprised and saddened by some of the responses from those around me.
So here is my rant for today….
So many have said in response to the seemingly insensitive and judgemental
people in our lives- “what do you expect” – “they can’t possibly understand” ! And I do get that- I’m pretty certain none of us would EVER want them to “understand” and wouldn’t wish this
on our worst enemy….
SO WHAT DO WE EXPECT? WHAT DO WE WANT FROM THEM? I have been thinking a lot about that- and this is what is on my heart:
What I DONT want-
I don’t want your pity. I’m not trying
to make you feel guilty in your happiness (I promise, I’m really not! and believe it or not – I am really and truly happy for anyone that doesn’t have to face this pain!). I don’t want you to feel
awkward and afraid to say anything around me about your family – I still want to be included in your life and your childrens lives. I don’t want or need you to avoid me like I have some kind of disease or shield me from all children
or babies. Yes I will battle feelings of jealousy and consuming pain, I may be prone to fighting back tears when I play with, see or hold a beautiful and precious child, at certain points I may be battling feelings of wanting to run and hide-
and I actually may run and hide….but that is just the reality of my struggle and the pain I must somehow learn to face and overcome. I dont want your condemnation or judgement for being for being transparent and real. I dont need your "Pat" Advice
or dismissive "put-offs"so you can feel better about yourself. I don’t want to explain to you what has brought me to this point so that you can judge whether or not I truly tried hard enough….. or - for those still in the midst of attempting
to defeat infertility- to justify why it will be different in your own life…..
And for those in process of fighting and doing everything possible to get past infertility- who still have hope and are soo excited to share when the miracles happen
- I think some of the greatest damage can be done to a BARREN woman-when in seeking support and help- we turn to, so called, “infertility groups” and are barraged with stories of women with secondary infertility
issues (already have children but are struggling to get pregnant AGAIN) or stories of the"miracles" and the unending "never give up" posts there. I dont know about anyone else- but these usually make me feel even worse and heap on the
self loathing, despair, and yes - anger-at the unfairness of it all.... and in most cases, if we dare to express our heartfelt pain in what is supposed to be a safe and understanding group- are attacked as insensitive to others stuggles and pain….
if we dare say anything to the effect of – “at least you still have hope”- it suddenly becomes a “Suffering Olympics” - and we are told to not invalidate their struggle…..
I would just ask of any in the midst
of hormone therapies and all that comes with that battle- that you show a little sensitivity and compassion to those who have gone thru it and came out the other side with empty arms and empty hearts- because it’s certainly NOT that we don’t understand
where you are at- or that we don’t understand your fears and pain and your struggles-WE UNDERSTAND IT BETTER THAN ANYONE-WE HAVE BEEN THRU IT! I would ask that you show a little grace and compassion because we are now facing YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!
So please don’t attack us for occasionally losing our grip and venting or expressing our pain to some of your posts….
Because there are no groups that I could find just for those who have lost all hope….so we must seek support from
groups that allow all forms of infertility battles. I think I speak for most in my shoes that -WE PRAY YOU NEVER FACE THIS” ! Just try for a moment to fathom having to, once and for all, let go of that dream- let go of that
hope……. I PRAY FOR YOU THAT IT NEVER BE…….
SO WHAT DO I WANT?
Acceptance, love, and grace would be a great start.
I want you to SEE ME- the real me…. and still
love me…. I don’t expect you to relate or completely understand this grief…. But just acceptance that it is real and authentic and legitimately where I am at in my journey right now would mean sooo, sooo much.
I am not alone- reaching out to other women facing this has deeply touched my heart - but that applies even more so to those around me, to my family and friends that I love and care about in my life, that I know cannot possibly understand. Don’t
let me face this alone….. Your kind words and messages, your occasional -for no reason- hugs, your giving me the space to grieve- but not abandoning me in it. Your spending time just being real with me and allowing me to be real with you – is
a priceless gift beyond measure.
Don’t try to “FIX ME” with empty words of advice or become impatient or judge me if I don’t get past all of this as quickly as you feel I should- just love me in spite of it…..
Please be strong enough not to take on my grief, or let it make you feel guilty or ashamed of your own happiness or Joy. I love you if your heart hurts for my pain- and if you can cry WITH me…..but I don’t expect and would never want you
to feel or understand this… I just want you to love me in spite of this….
Show me grace when you see me struggling- don’t reject me for my struggle…. And I pray that one day, by the grace of God, I will get thru this
incapacitating grief and find some healing and acceptance. I know the pain will always be there deep inside and this empty space in my heart will never be filled- but I will fight and I will survive. And I ask of those closest to me that they could somehow
just love me thru this so that I may, hopefully, love and bless them in return on the other side.
*Thank you for expressing so well what is in my head. Big hugs xxxx*
*Well written! It expresses feelings and thoughts I have shared since my hysterectomy in 2010. I'm still struggling and some days my grief defeats me. ((HUGS))*
*You put that so well.
Thank you for sharing it*
*Beautifully written. You have given voice to a lot of feelings I have myself. Thank you. It's such a emotionally complex, and charged topic. I mean sometimes the grief seems like