MY JOURNEY (2) This continues in "Blog" format so the newest posting will show first and go backwards from there. Click on "Older" link at bottom of page to get to any that do not still show on this page....

Dec. 5, 2015

In the darkness of grief and despair...He never leaves our side.... He understands our grief and promises to redeem our pain if we will just let go...just be held....

Dec. 4, 2015
2nd only to Mothers Day, Christmas comes for me as a heartbreak that can only be described as a re-opened and gaping wound...like ripping the bandage off of a barely starting to heal severely damaged heart . Feeling empty and pointless when facing the loss of the dream of ever cherishing and celebrating the wonder and beauty of the holiday with precious babies or even grand babies of my own....realizing that soo much of the joy of Christmas's past was wrapped in the hopeful certainly of one day celebrating with my own children....wrapped in the hope and dreams of traditions and celebrations that I would be handing down to a family that for me now- will never be..... leaving only the empty aching heart cry of- Whats the fricking point??? 
 
Whats the point of decorating....if no child will ever find awe and delight in the beauty..... Whats the point of baking, if no child will ever look forward to the joys of helping, sneaking samples, and partaking in the delicacies.....what's the point of buying and wrapping presents when all it does is remind me of what will never be-  the guessing and shaking, the buildup to the pure excitement, joy, and hysterical giggles that I just know would fill my home when Christmas day finally arrives and wishes are finally fulfilled..... but more than anything else.... what's the point if all this overwhelming love I held and desperately dreamed and longed to pour into my children will never be....and the pity party band in my head and heart starts playing the Macarena....
 
Last year was the first year I was attempting to face the reality of no hope for a child and as the holiday season was thrust upon me it was all I could do not to just explode in rage at the unfairness of it all or just lock myself up in my bedroom and curl up and die. But I pasted on a smile and forced my way thru...distracted and overwhelmed by the looming end of another huge part of my life -a failing business.  
 
This year as the holiday approaches I know that I have come a long way in learning how to face the losses and grief.....but it does not mean it does not still hurt. It does not mean that moments of blinding frustrated rage at the unfairness and my powerlessness to change it do not still rise in me....and if I am honest... it does not mean that there are not still moments when I want to turn to God with all the force of the megaton bomb that is my broken and imploding heart and SCREAM at Him-WHY????  
 
I admit I am struggling to even do any decorating at all this year....everything in me wanting to just skip this entirely this year. But I know thats not fair, it's not fair to my those I love, and its not fair to the one this whole holiday is about-the source of any real hope or joy in this life....so I remind myself of the meaning of this holiday and I acknowledge the astounding and amazing gift that my Heavenly Father gave so long ago specifically with me and you in mind today.... that tiny baby born into this world with all the power of the creator of the universe, humbling Himself to come into this world as a baby and walking a path of love and grace and pain so that He could one day know me, understand my pain, and Love me in spite of my sin and failures...so He could give Joy....real Joy.... rooted in Him, rooted in the source of immeasurable peace and happiness....in spite of the trials and pains of this life.... and for Him and those I love I will choose to celebrate this season and this day....
 
I'm not going to lie....it hurts...and it hurts soo deeply, an ache that at moments can take my breath away....but this year as I hang each ornament and the pain rises like that ornament is a knife stabbing me directly in the heart- I will choose not to let the rage win...I will be real and honest in those moments....I will let the tears fall and give each decoration and each corresponding tear to my Heavenly Father who understands my pain and crys with me.....
It does not mean that it will be easy as I look around at friends and family and see what I will never have, but this year I will let myself grieve, grieve the loss of what will never be....and I will cling to the arms of my God who does not condemn me for my grief-but who holds me in the midst of my pain... 
Dec. 3, 2015

Just look up....know You Are Loved....

Sep. 3, 2015
Ugghhh....As Facebook floods with soo soo many adorable back to school, just starting school, and proud parents celebrating and yet "sad to see them growing so quickly" posts and unending pictures- once again the hole in my heart spasms and bleeds and awakens....
 
I don't want to be jealous, I don't want to be bitter, but if I am not honest with this pain that once again screams inside me- that is the only place for it to go....for me that is always the easiest place to go....to run, to not face the pain...to stuff it and to harden, and to react with rage at God and everyone around me....to shutt out everyone and everything until I become a walking zombie....to maybe even react with thinly veiled snarky and sarcastic comments to those who are so blessed and only sharing their hearts.... 
 
But I don't want to be that person.... I choose to refuse to be that person...so I fight.....but this fight -my desperate fight - is to stay soft-to keep my heart open, to acknowledge the pain and just let it run its coarse.....in these moments to just let it be....because it may knock me down and even win this day....but it will not defeat me! 
 
So I remind myself again who I am- I am more than this emptiness, this gaping wound and hole in my heart...I am more than this agonizing pain.... I am a precious and loved Child of God with a very unique destiny and purpose, and even if in this moment I cannot see past the tears...cannot see past the lost dreams and failures....I know that God still holds me and Loves me and has never left me....I cling to His promise that in spite of this I WILL know happiness and Joy again...and that thru this somehow, somewhere, deep deep inside a depth of strength I cannot even understand is growing just a tiny bit more...
 
I remind myself that this is not my fault, that I am not broken, or damaged, that I am not being punished....and choose to face the truth that IT'S JUST NOT FAIR and I allow the anger that rises with those 4 tormenting words surface....not to stay there-not to let it consume me...but to then reach past it...to honestly face and understand that Im angry because it HURTS  soo soo much..... It HURTS and the hurt is soo deep because IT MATTERS.... and because ITS REAL....and its ok to feel....its OK to grieve this horrible loss....
 
So once again as life reminds me with another kick in the gut of the unfairness and pain on this path.... I choose to walk thru the pain as best I can  -even if it drops me to my knees and hurts soo deeply it takes my very breath away.....
 
I will let this day be what it is- and I will look for the sun to shine again somehow tomorrow....