Sep. 3, 2015

Agonizing Reminders

Ugghhh....As Facebook floods with soo soo many adorable back to school, just starting school, and proud parents celebrating and yet "sad to see them growing so quickly" posts and unending pictures- once again the hole in my heart spasms and bleeds and awakens....
 
I don't want to be jealous, I don't want to be bitter, but if I am not honest with this pain that once again screams inside me- that is the only place for it to go....for me that is always the easiest place to go....to run, to not face the pain...to stuff it and to harden, and to react with rage at God and everyone around me....to shutt out everyone and everything until I become a walking zombie....to maybe even react with thinly veiled snarky and sarcastic comments to those who are so blessed and only sharing their hearts.... 
 
But I don't want to be that person.... I choose to refuse to be that person...so I fight.....but this fight -my desperate fight - is to stay soft-to keep my heart open, to acknowledge the pain and just let it run its coarse.....in these moments to just let it be....because it may knock me down and even win this day....but it will not defeat me! 
 
So I remind myself again who I am- I am more than this emptiness, this gaping wound and hole in my heart...I am more than this agonizing pain.... I am a precious and loved Child of God with a very unique destiny and purpose, and even if in this moment I cannot see past the tears...cannot see past the lost dreams and failures....I know that God still holds me and Loves me and has never left me....I cling to His promise that in spite of this I WILL know happiness and Joy again...and that thru this somehow, somewhere, deep deep inside a depth of strength I cannot even understand is growing just a tiny bit more...
 
I remind myself that this is not my fault, that I am not broken, or damaged, that I am not being punished....and choose to face the truth that IT'S JUST NOT FAIR and I allow the anger that rises with those 4 tormenting words surface....not to stay there-not to let it consume me...but to then reach past it...to honestly face and understand that Im angry because it HURTS  soo soo much..... It HURTS and the hurt is soo deep because IT MATTERS.... and because ITS REAL....and its ok to feel....its OK to grieve this horrible loss....
 
So once again as life reminds me with another kick in the gut of the unfairness and pain on this path.... I choose to walk thru the pain as best I can  -even if it drops me to my knees and hurts soo deeply it takes my very breath away.....
 
I will let this day be what it is- and I will look for the sun to shine again somehow tomorrow....