Dec. 4, 2015

Christmas Season- just being real....

2nd only to Mothers Day, Christmas comes for me as a heartbreak that can only be described as a re-opened and gaping wound...like ripping the bandage off of a barely starting to heal severely damaged heart . Feeling empty and pointless when facing the loss of the dream of ever cherishing and celebrating the wonder and beauty of the holiday with precious babies or even grand babies of my own....realizing that soo much of the joy of Christmas's past was wrapped in the hopeful certainly of one day celebrating with my own children....wrapped in the hope and dreams of traditions and celebrations that I would be handing down to a family that for me now- will never be..... leaving only the empty aching heart cry of- Whats the fricking point??? 
 
Whats the point of decorating....if no child will ever find awe and delight in the beauty..... Whats the point of baking, if no child will ever look forward to the joys of helping, sneaking samples, and partaking in the delicacies.....what's the point of buying and wrapping presents when all it does is remind me of what will never be-  the guessing and shaking, the buildup to the pure excitement, joy, and hysterical giggles that I just know would fill my home when Christmas day finally arrives and wishes are finally fulfilled..... but more than anything else.... what's the point if all this overwhelming love I held and desperately dreamed and longed to pour into my children will never be....and the pity party band in my head and heart starts playing the Macarena....
 
Last year was the first year I was attempting to face the reality of no hope for a child and as the holiday season was thrust upon me it was all I could do not to just explode in rage at the unfairness of it all or just lock myself up in my bedroom and curl up and die. But I pasted on a smile and forced my way thru...distracted and overwhelmed by the looming end of another huge part of my life -a failing business.  
 
This year as the holiday approaches I know that I have come a long way in learning how to face the losses and grief.....but it does not mean it does not still hurt. It does not mean that moments of blinding frustrated rage at the unfairness and my powerlessness to change it do not still rise in me....and if I am honest... it does not mean that there are not still moments when I want to turn to God with all the force of the megaton bomb that is my broken and imploding heart and SCREAM at Him-WHY????  
 
I admit I am struggling to even do any decorating at all this year....everything in me wanting to just skip this entirely this year. But I know thats not fair, it's not fair to my those I love, and its not fair to the one this whole holiday is about-the source of any real hope or joy in this life....so I remind myself of the meaning of this holiday and I acknowledge the astounding and amazing gift that my Heavenly Father gave so long ago specifically with me and you in mind today.... that tiny baby born into this world with all the power of the creator of the universe, humbling Himself to come into this world as a baby and walking a path of love and grace and pain so that He could one day know me, understand my pain, and Love me in spite of my sin and failures...so He could give Joy....real Joy.... rooted in Him, rooted in the source of immeasurable peace and happiness....in spite of the trials and pains of this life.... and for Him and those I love I will choose to celebrate this season and this day....
 
I'm not going to lie....it hurts...and it hurts soo deeply, an ache that at moments can take my breath away....but this year as I hang each ornament and the pain rises like that ornament is a knife stabbing me directly in the heart- I will choose not to let the rage win...I will be real and honest in those moments....I will let the tears fall and give each decoration and each corresponding tear to my Heavenly Father who understands my pain and crys with me.....
It does not mean that it will be easy as I look around at friends and family and see what I will never have, but this year I will let myself grieve, grieve the loss of what will never be....and I will cling to the arms of my God who does not condemn me for my grief-but who holds me in the midst of my pain...